There's Only One Rule!

I saw a promotional spot for a golfing event, a professional golfing event, possibly PGA, but it also could have been PBA or NBC or NASA or ROBOCOP, I don't know. In an (utterly futile) attempt to get people excited about watching golf on television, also known as the most monotonous pastime in the history of pastimes, monotony, and superlatives, the far-too-enthusiastic announcer busted out the following gem:

The only rule is "win or go home."


Well, now.

I don't really know that much about golf. Let me amend that: I know practically nothing about golf. That being said, I know that the game does have more than one rule. At least two, possibly as many as three. As far as I can remember, those rules include the following:

-use as few strokes as possible to hit the small round ball into the hole.

-don't pick up the ball with your hands.

-don't kick the ball with your feet.

-don't try to sweep a pathway clear of obstructions in front of your ball when it's rolling towards the hole.

-no hitting other golfers with your golf sticks.

-no hitting other golfers with your golf truck.

-no hitting other golfers with your caddie.

-depending on the persona you have cultivated (i.e. rule-breaking bad boy), you must break at least two expensive golf sticks over your knee. If you have bad knees, you're allowed to wear titanium reinforcements.

-don't kick Phil Mickelson into water traps while yelling THIS IS ST. ANDREWWWWWWWS. It doesn't matter if you're descended from Eglon and you have a hereditary distrust of left-handed men.

-the flag that they stick in the hole where the ball goes is NOT a prop in a massive sneaky game of Capture-The-Flag. Don't treat it as such.

I feel like these rules should be posted at every tee on every golf course in the world. That would solve a lot of problems.

Long live sport!