I think it's a boost to my pride--I know it's a boost to my pride--to be told, "Ian, we couldnta done this without you." It doesn't even always need to be said. Sometimes I can tell I'm needed.
It's part of the reason I have difficulty saying "no." If someone's asking me or inviting me, they're needing me. I don't want to turn down a chance at an ego-boost. It's happened that I've had no interest whatsoever in doing the thing in question, but I do it anyway. Because I want to feel needed.
That's why I began doing theatre. I didn't enjoy theatre itself, at first. It was a big step outside my comfort zone. As time went by, I actually began to enjoy it more. So thank God for that, at least.
I used to think that this was a good thing. That my need to be needed evinced a servant's heart. The problem is--it doesn't. Because of the ego-boost thing mentioned earlier.
Now, out of school (where my opinions were tolerated and my input was sometimes welcomed) and into the "real world," I am discovering that I am not so indispensable. I'm still in training for one of my jobs. If I weren't there, they would continue on just fine. My other job, one I've had for four years, will be dispensing of my services come August.
To this, I think, this blog post has been leading: I have a few options now.
- I could wallow in despair at my dispensability.
- I could actively seek methods to make myself indispensable again.
- I could realize the futility of a lifelong quest for indispensability.
The third option is...well, I think it's too late. By writing this post I've chosen the third option. I have to serve now. I have to realize that I won't be indispensable to anyone for a good long while--and that indispensability is a rotten goal to shoot for.
So how about a different goal? I am an Image-bearer. How about I try to live up to that Image?
Long live forks.
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