...you finish the top ten list from the day before.
So. With no further ado (and yes, I realize that I hadn't created too much ado to begin with, but who cares), here is the Top Five TITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC. Or, one might call it the TFTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC. And if you want to know what those letters stand for, read my last post.
5. The laws regarding Internet crime. This one, I regret to say, is just a pet peeve of mine, and rationally, the punishment I recommend does not fit the crime. What punishment does Ian the Pontificator recommend, you ask? Death, is my answer. Whether it be piracy, spamming, or phishing, the perpetrators are all reprehensible and hard enough for law enforcement to catch that the enforcers should get some kind of reward for all their hard labor.
4. Snowdrifts. They're more of a menace than bears, which are quite a menace in and of themselves, as Mr. Stephen Colbert has pointed out. The thing is, bears are kinda rare, but snowdrifts are everywhere. And that was not intended to rhyme, but it did. Here's the thing: snowdrifts are as dangerous as bears, but they can form anywhere, and they are very annoying, which one can not say about bears. Bears are kinda cute.
3. Ads on TV. For the most part, they're terrible from a technical point of view. I could produce a better ad in my sleep than half the ones currently showing. They drive me crazy: abysmal layout, horrific audio, and grainy video. There should be some sort of Rules.
2. The BCS. No, don't implement a playoff system. Just put the University of Florida and some other team, maybe an undefeated one--I don't really care--and change the rules so UF can't be penalized. Should be a good game every year, and I foresee a dynasty arising.
1. Election of public officials. People always get mad because of the "wrong person" being elected. So here's what we do: take a whole bunch of eligible people out into the wilderness somewhere and provide them with one match. No knives, no food, no clothing. The last one left alive after a year is obviously equipped with unique problem-solving skills, relational abilities, and resourcefulness--obviously fit to be the next president, or governor, or senator, or coroner, or waste-water deputy inspector.
So there ya have it. Take it for what it's worth.
Long live Pontification on important details!
Showing posts with label Top Ten. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Top Ten. Show all posts
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
You Know You're Out of Things to Blog About When...
...you start making top ten lists.
So, 'tis now 2009, apparently (nobody ever tells me anything, so I'm just guessing on this point.) And that means that it's a new year (I figured that out all by myself! Aren't you proud?) Now, new years tend to evoke feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem, which is good, because as fallen human beings we need to have low opinions of ourselves. These feelings I referenced often prompt New Year's Resolutions, which involve feeble and laughable attempts at self-help. In the spirit, therefore, of New Year's Resolutions, I proudly present the inaugural "Top Ten Things I'm Too Lazy To Resolve To Change, But Which Other People Definitely Should Resolve To Change." One might abbreviate it the TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC. If that's too long for you, you are stupid and should go away now.
There. Having slyly eliminated the stupid people from the room--what? Oh, crap, I'm being told that I just eliminated everybody. Well, the show must go on. Here, then, is my TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC. And yes, I did just copy/paste that.
10. The status of nearly-extinct and endangered animals. They need to be declared free game. If one subscribes to the philosophy that only the fittest survive, commonly called "Survival of the Fittest", and one also has one's eyes open to the extent that one realizes that the human race is currently the fittest race on the planet, then one must obviously subscribe to the view that the Whales Must Die. Because they're not as fit as us. And if we need them, we can kill them. Cause we're fitter than those things.
9. Inconsistency. It needs to go away, for good. This makes me so angry. Nobody picks a position and then holds it any more. There's all this wishy-washy compromise stuff floating around out there. It must stop.
8. Macs. They need to go away for good. Or at least come down off their high horse and become fully compatible. It's called a VGA connection, Apple. Please.
7. Stupidity. It too needs to go away for good. There is no room for stupidity or stupid people. Look at the economy: run stupidly by a stupid man (Hank Paulson, not Dubya. I actually kinda admire Dubya.)
6. Horror Movie Directors. They need to stop being so scared of an R rating, and they need to realize that blood does not equal terror . I have a generally low view of horror movies in general (I believe good horror flicks are very few and far between), and every PG-13 "horror" movie that comes out is a disgrace to an already disgraced genre. Directors who want to make good horror need to realize that horror needs scary parts, and they also need to get past their fixation with gore. Torture is all very well, but audiences are becoming very sated with knives and death machines. Jump scenes, suspense, and subtle violence are much more terrifyiing, and much harder to pull off.
Well, this is taking far too long, and I want to go watch Righteous Kill, with Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. It should be good. Look for more of my TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC later this evening.
Long live cliffhangers!
So, 'tis now 2009, apparently (nobody ever tells me anything, so I'm just guessing on this point.) And that means that it's a new year (I figured that out all by myself! Aren't you proud?) Now, new years tend to evoke feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem, which is good, because as fallen human beings we need to have low opinions of ourselves. These feelings I referenced often prompt New Year's Resolutions, which involve feeble and laughable attempts at self-help. In the spirit, therefore, of New Year's Resolutions, I proudly present the inaugural "Top Ten Things I'm Too Lazy To Resolve To Change, But Which Other People Definitely Should Resolve To Change." One might abbreviate it the TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC. If that's too long for you, you are stupid and should go away now.
There. Having slyly eliminated the stupid people from the room--what? Oh, crap, I'm being told that I just eliminated everybody. Well, the show must go on. Here, then, is my TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC. And yes, I did just copy/paste that.
10. The status of nearly-extinct and endangered animals. They need to be declared free game. If one subscribes to the philosophy that only the fittest survive, commonly called "Survival of the Fittest", and one also has one's eyes open to the extent that one realizes that the human race is currently the fittest race on the planet, then one must obviously subscribe to the view that the Whales Must Die. Because they're not as fit as us. And if we need them, we can kill them. Cause we're fitter than those things.
9. Inconsistency. It needs to go away, for good. This makes me so angry. Nobody picks a position and then holds it any more. There's all this wishy-washy compromise stuff floating around out there. It must stop.
8. Macs. They need to go away for good. Or at least come down off their high horse and become fully compatible. It's called a VGA connection, Apple. Please.
7. Stupidity. It too needs to go away for good. There is no room for stupidity or stupid people. Look at the economy: run stupidly by a stupid man (Hank Paulson, not Dubya. I actually kinda admire Dubya.)
6. Horror Movie Directors. They need to stop being so scared of an R rating, and they need to realize that blood does not equal terror . I have a generally low view of horror movies in general (I believe good horror flicks are very few and far between), and every PG-13 "horror" movie that comes out is a disgrace to an already disgraced genre. Directors who want to make good horror need to realize that horror needs scary parts, and they also need to get past their fixation with gore. Torture is all very well, but audiences are becoming very sated with knives and death machines. Jump scenes, suspense, and subtle violence are much more terrifyiing, and much harder to pull off.
Well, this is taking far too long, and I want to go watch Righteous Kill, with Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. It should be good. Look for more of my TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC later this evening.
Long live cliffhangers!