Friday, January 9, 2009

You Know You're Out of Things to Blog About When... start making top ten lists.

So, 'tis now 2009, apparently (nobody ever tells me anything, so I'm just guessing on this point.) And that means that it's a new year (I figured that out all by myself! Aren't you proud?) Now, new years tend to evoke feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem, which is good, because as fallen human beings we need to have low opinions of ourselves. These feelings I referenced often prompt New Year's Resolutions, which involve feeble and laughable attempts at self-help. In the spirit, therefore, of New Year's Resolutions, I proudly present the inaugural "Top Ten Things I'm Too Lazy To Resolve To Change, But Which Other People Definitely Should Resolve To Change." One might abbreviate it the TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC. If that's too long for you, you are stupid and should go away now.

There. Having slyly eliminated the stupid people from the room--what? Oh, crap, I'm being told that I just eliminated everybody. Well, the show must go on. Here, then, is my TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC. And yes, I did just copy/paste that.
10. The status of nearly-extinct and endangered animals. They need to be declared free game. If one subscribes to the philosophy that only the fittest survive, commonly called "Survival of the Fittest", and one also has one's eyes open to the extent that one realizes that the human race is currently the fittest race on the planet, then one must obviously subscribe to the view that the Whales Must Die. Because they're not as fit as us. And if we need them, we can kill them. Cause we're fitter than those things.
9. Inconsistency. It needs to go away, for good. This makes me so angry. Nobody picks a position and then holds it any more. There's all this wishy-washy compromise stuff floating around out there. It must stop.
8. Macs. They need to go away for good. Or at least come down off their high horse and become fully compatible. It's called a VGA connection, Apple. Please.
7. Stupidity. It too needs to go away for good. There is no room for stupidity or stupid people. Look at the economy: run stupidly by a stupid man (Hank Paulson, not Dubya. I actually kinda admire Dubya.)
6. Horror Movie Directors. They need to stop being so scared of an R rating, and they need to realize that blood does not equal terror . I have a generally low view of horror movies in general (I believe good horror flicks are very few and far between), and every PG-13 "horror" movie that comes out is a disgrace to an already disgraced genre. Directors who want to make good horror need to realize that horror needs scary parts, and they also need to get past their fixation with gore. Torture is all very well, but audiences are becoming very sated with knives and death machines. Jump scenes, suspense, and subtle violence are much more terrifyiing, and much harder to pull off.

Well, this is taking far too long, and I want to go watch Righteous Kill, with Al Pacino and Robert De Niro. It should be good. Look for more of my TTTITLTRTCBWOPDSRTC later this evening.

Long live cliffhangers!

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